Martin's Journal
by Charlotte K
Summary: "Mum said it was cute that I wanted to be a pilot. Dad just laughed." Entries from nine-year-old Martin Crieff.
1. Chapter 1

Wednesday, October 7th

Dear Journal,

Caitlin was mean to me today. I drew a picture of an aeroplane in school and when I showed it to her, she laughed at me and said that I was bad at colouring inside the lines. Caitlin is really good at drawing, and it made me feel bad because I want to be good at drawing, too. But Simon was nice. So was Mum. They liked my drawing. Simon played "aeroplane" with me again today, which made me even happier. I like when he does that, because he's really big and strong, and he picks me up off the ground and carries me around and makes aeroplane noises. But I think I'm getting too big for that game, because when Simon put me back down, he was panting a lot and he said something about pulling a muscle.

I know it's bad to listen to people talking to each other when you're not part of the conversation. But I couldn't help it! Mum and Dad were talking in their bedroom when I was playing upstairs, and they started talking about me. Mum said that it was cute that I wanted to be a pilot. Dad just laughed. Dad said that I would have to become really smart if I wanted to do that, and that I would have to have a lot of money. It made me a little sad. I wish our family had more money so I could go to pilot school and get really good at flying.


	2. Chapter 2

October 9th

Dear Journal,

Caitlin said sorry for being mean to me when I showed her my drawing the other day. She even drew me a picture to make up for it. I taped it to my wall so that I don't lose it. She drew me wearing a captain's hat and flying an aeroplane. She even coloured it with her favourite pencil crayons, which means that she really was sorry. I think. Simon and Caitlin aren't home, so the house is really quiet. Simon went to rugby practice and Caitlin is at her friend's house for a sleepover. Mum and Dad are home, but I don't think they want to talk to me. I asked them why I have to be smarter if I want to be a pilot, and Dad got mad at me for eavesdropping. I asked what that word meant and Mum said it meant listening in on other people talking. I'm timed out right now, and I'm not allowed to leave my room.

Still October 9th

Mum cooked pasta and baked potatoes for supper. I like pasta when it has lots of sauce on it, but we didn't have any sauce in the fridge. I asked Mum if we could buy some at the store, but she said that we'll get some when it goes on sale. I think pasta sauce costs a lot when it's not on sale, but I don't want to ask. We had butter, so my potato tasted really good. Dad puts lots of salt on his potatoes, but Mum doesn't like when he does that. She says it's bad for his heart. I don't get why, but I don't want to ask about that either. I don't want to get in any more trouble. Dad has been really cranky lately and I don't know why. Mum says it's because he doesn't feel good. I hope Dad gets better soon.


	3. Chapter 3

October 12th

Dear Journal,

The kids in school were mean to me today. I got ten out of ten on my math test, and they started calling me names. My teacher thought I cheated. And then this boy named Mickey Tyler put his gum in my hair, and the teacher had to cut a piece of my hair off to get it out. She told me that I was clumsy and asked me how I got gum in my hair, and when I told her that Mickey put it there, she didn't believe me. I'm not really clumsy, am I? I trip and fall sometimes, and sometimes when I run, my feet get in the way. But that's not bad, is it? I hope not. In gym, we played kickball. The other boys like that game, but I hate it a lot. I like to play it with Simon and Caitlin because they make sure they roll the ball to me nicely so I can kick it really far, but the other kids don't care. A girl in my class called Rose rolled the ball to me and I kicked it as hard as I could, but it hit her in the head. She started to cry, and I felt really bad about it. The other kids yelled at me, and my teacher made me sit out, because he said I wasn't playing nicely. But it was an accident, I swear! I'm never playing kickball again. Never ever. I won't play it again until I'm dead. And when I'm dead, I can't play it. So hah!

School is stupid. I want to fly planes instead. When I grow up, I'm going to be a really good pilot and I'm going to fly all over the world, and I won't have to go to school again. And I won't have to see Mickey and his friends and everyone else. I'm going to get a best friend someday and then we can fly in our aeroplane together. It will be fun, and I can't wait!

Simon and Caitlin and Mum and Dad are watching a movie downstairs, but I don't want to watch it with them. They're watching a movie about a Princess Bride and I can hear them laughing really loud, but I just want to write. I'll come downstairs later and see what they're doing.

Dad just ran upstairs and grabbed something from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I think he's having pains in his chest again. Mum says that he gets those sometimes, and if he doesn't take his pills, his chest will hurt really bad. I'm worried about Dad. It's probably really bad if his chest hurts, because that's where his heart is. And now Mum is really strict when Dad puts salt on his food. And he's not allowed to have butter on his potatoes any more. I hope Dad is okay.


	4. Chapter 4

November 7th

Dear Journal,

I'm so stupid.

That is all.

* * *

November 8th

Dear Journal,

I made Mum cry last night, I think. That's why I'm stupid. It's always stupid to make your own Mum cry. I asked her why Dad's chest was hurting so bad, and she said that he has a heart problem, but they don't know what it is yet. He has to go to the doctor next week so they can do a few tests on his heart. I asked if Dad was going to die, and then Mum looked really afraid and she told me never to say something like that again. I told her I was sorry, and that I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I think she knows that I didn't want to make her sad, but she started to cry anyway. I'm happy Simon and Caitlin aren't home, because they would probably be mad at me for that. I gave Mum a hug and a kiss, and she smiled a little bit. I'm going to draw her a picture and maybe that will help.

My birthday is coming up soon. I'm going to be ten! Simon says that I'm getting as big as him, and Mum says that I'm growing up really fast. Dad hasn't really said anything about it, but he did ask what I wanted for a gift. I want a hat. A captain's hat. I told him that I wanted one, and he nodded his head. So I think that means yes! It's eight more days until my birthday, and I'm very excited. I don't know where Mum and Dad will find a captain's hat at, but I hope they find one somewhere, because I would wear it all the time! But I wouldn't wear it to school. I don't want the other kids to make fun of me or ruin my hat. The kids in my grade are stupid. They're a lot smarter than me, but they're mean. So to me, that means they're stupid.

We had a new kid come to my school for the day. His name is Arthur. I don't know what his last name is, but he was nice to me. He's two years younger than me, but that's okay. He sat with me at lunch today, and I was so happy that I wasn't sitting alone! He said that he came to my school to try it out, because he had to leave his old school. He didn't say how come. I think he's staying at my school for the rest of the week. I hope he is. I hope he stays! Mum says I can have a birthday party if I want. I think I'll invite Arthur.

I'm going to pray for a captain's hat. And I'm going to pray that Arthur will be able to stay at my school.


	5. Chapter 5

November 16th

Dear Journal,

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! I woke up extra early this morning and got all ready for school before Mum came in to wake me up. She said she was very impressed with me for getting up so early. She let me have first pick at the yogurt cups, and I picked strawberry before Simon could get it. Simon didn't seem to mind. He and Caitlin said happy birthday to me, and so did Dad. Mum gave me a really big hug and a kiss on my forehead. I don't like when she kisses my forehead, but sometimes I don't mind. I also got to have a cupcake for breakfast. Simon and Caitlin got to have one, too. Caitlin put a candle in my cupcake and she and Simon and Mum and Dad sang Happy Birthday to me.

Then, Dad told me to sit really still and close my eyes. He went upstairs and got something from his and Mum's bedroom, and then the next thing I knew, he put something on my head. I got a captain's hat, just like I wanted! It's too big for me, but Mum says that I'll grow into it. Caitlin took a picture of me in my hat, and said that I looked like a proper captain. Simon drove Caitlin and I to school today, so we wouldn't have to take the bus. Simon is getting better at driving, thank God. I wasn't so scared this time!

And school was good, too. My teachers were very nice to me today, and I didn't get in trouble for anything. I got twenty out of twenty on my spelling test, and Mrs. Maloney even gave me a gold star sticker! She didn't ask me if I cheated this time. And Mickey didn't put gum in my hair, either. Arthur was at school again, and when I told him it was my birthday, he got very excited. He said "happy birthday" to me, and he even made me a card during his art class! I'm going to put the card in my dresser drawer, where it will stay safe. I'm so happy today. I don't want to stop being happy ever again!

I didn't make invitations in time for my birthday, so I didn't have a party. That's okay. Grandma Lillian and Grandpa Norman were at my house when I got home from school, and they brought a goose that Grandma put in the oven. I never tried eating a goose before, but it tasted really good. They also brought a cake. It was cheesecake, which was really yummy!

Dad's chest hurt really bad tonight, and he had to go to bed early. Mum said that Dad will feel better in the morning, and that I don't need to worry. Grandma and Grandpa liked my captain's hat. Grandma took a whole bunch of pictures of me wearing it, and Grandpa said that it made me look very smart. Grandpa says that I would be a good pilot. He said that he and Grandma will take me to the air museum in Duxford soon. I'm looking forward to that.

I think Grandpa really wants me to be a pilot. That makes me feel good.


	6. Chapter 6

December 9th

Dear Journal,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time. My room got really messy, and I lost my notebook under my bed. Mum told me to clean my room today, and when I picked up all my clothes and swept the floor under the bed, I found it. My room is nice and tidy now. It's not messy very often, but sometimes I just don't care and I throw stuff around. Mum says I'm getting better about keeping my room clean and tidying up after myself, so I feel good about that. A few things have happened since last month, like:

-Mickey Tyler moved away

-Mrs. Maloney doesn't think I cheat when I get really good test scores any more

-Caitlin can drive now

-She's a better driver than Simon

-Arthur doesn't go to my school any more.

I'm sad that Arthur couldn't keep going to my school. He said that he really liked me and that he had fun sitting with me at lunch, and that he didn't want to leave. He told me that his Mum and Dad stopped being married, and so Arthur and his Mum have to move away. He's moving to Fitton, wherever that is. I hope I see him again some day. Caitlin says that I can send Arthur letters, and that when I get older and have a car, I can drive to Fitton once in a while to see him. But that will be a long time from now. I hope Arthur doesn't forget about me. I liked him. I still really like him. He was a good friend to me.

* * *

Still December 9th

Dear Journal,

Mum had to take Dad to the hospital. Simon and Caitlin and I are home alone. Simon cooked spaghetti for us, but I wasn't hungry. Neither was Caitlin. But we ate anyway. My stomach hurts. Dad was fine when I woke up this morning, but when I got home from school, he started to look really pale. His chest hurt again, but it was worse than normal, according to him. He got really scared, but I could tell he was pretending to be okay. He almost threw up a few times, too. And then he couldn't breathe very well. It was really scary. Mum told him to sit down and try to take deep breaths, but he just couldn't. That was when she helped him get his coat on, and then they drove away really fast in Dad's van.

Caitlin is in her bedroom. I think I hear her crying. Simon is in the living room, watching Star Wars. He asked me if I wanted to watch it with him, but I don't want to. Simon is brave. He tried to help Dad when everything happened, and he even started the van before Mum got Dad to sit down and try to breathe. I think Simon knew what was happening. He looks a bit scared, but I don't think he's as scared as me. I want Dad to be okay. I wish Arthur was here.

I'm going to go see if Caitlin's okay. I'll write more later.


	7. Chapter 7

December 10th

Dear Journal,

I didn't go to school today and Mum didn't go to work. Simon and Caitlin both had to go to school. They both had really important tests to write, but I could tell that they both wanted to stay home. Mum took me to the hospital to visit Dad. On the way there, Mum told me that Dad had a heart attack last night. She said that a heart attack is when the heart quits working, but I already knew that. She said that Dad was going to be okay, and that he has to be really careful what he eats, and he has to try not to get too stressed out. Mum says that we can't let him have butter at all, and we can't let him put salt on his food for a long time. I think that means we won't have baked potatoes any time soon.

Dad seemed happy to see me, but he was very sleepy. He couldn't stay awake for long, so my visit with him was pretty short. He asked where Simon and Caitlin were, and he seemed to understand when Mum told him that they couldn't miss school. Simon and Caitlin will probably drive to the hospital together to see Dad later, probably. Dad said that he will have to stay in hospital for a few days, but he will be home soon. I feel better than I did yesterday. I'm still sad that Dad had a heart attack, but I'm glad that he can go home right away.

Mum took me out for ice cream when we left the hospital. She had chocolate and I had mint chocolate chip, which is my favourite. I asked Mum if Dad would be allowed to have ice cream, and she said that he probably can. I wanted to buy a dish of maple walnut, which is Dad's favourite, and take it to the hospital, but Mum said that we wouldn't be allowed to.

On the way home, I asked Mum how much it would cost to send me to pilot school. She didn't say anything for a while, and then she said that she didn't know, but that it would cost a lot of money. She said that when I get older, I'll have to get a job and save up a lot of money so that I could go. I asked Mum if I could join Cadets. She said maybe. That gives me some hope. I asked her why our family doesn't have a lot of money, and she said that her job doesn't pay very well. I asked her why she didn't get a new job, but she didn't answer me. She wrinkled her eyebrows together and she shut her mouth really tight. That means she didn't want to talk about it. She hasn't said anything to me since then. It's been all afternoon.

Sometimes, I think I should just never talk out loud.


	8. Chapter 8

December 15th

Dear Journal,

I haven't cried in a long time. Until now. Dad got home from the hospital a few days ago, and that's all fine. But he and Mum are both angry with me. Really angry. I'll tell the story of what happened.

A man named Mr. Herriot came to my school today. He was from the RAF. He said that he was in Cadets when he was a teenager, and that he really enjoyed it. He told us what you do in Cadets, and what kinds of things you learn. It was amazing! He said that when he got older, he wanted to keep flying planes, so he joined the Air Force and learned how to fly a few different ones. Then, he gave us little booklets about the Cadets. My booklet is full of information, and it has a lot of interesting facts about Cadets and flying.

When I got home, I ran up to Mum and Dad to show them. They were in the middle of an argument, but I didn't know that. I guess they were arguing about money or something. Dad looked at my booklet, threw it in the trash, and told me to stop thinking about joining Cadets. He got pretty upset, and so did I. He said (really loudly) that it would be a waste of money, and that I couldn't do it. And then the worst part: he said that he shouldn't have bought me my captain's hat, because that just got my hopes up. He told me that I would not become a pilot. And he said that I'd have to pay for my own pilot school, and that he and Mum wouldn't help me.

I got mad and yelled at him to shut up.

Mom tried to smack my backside with the wooden spoon, but she missed and hit my back instead. The wooden spoon broke in half. It hurt so bad! I ran upstairs to my room, and Dad yelled up the stairs for me to stay up there. I'm not allowed to come back down until morning.

It's not fair. Dad doesn't want me to be a pilot, but I want to be one! Dad can't tell me what to be when I grow up, can he? Lucky for me, Grandpa Norman is taking me to the air museum in Duxford on Sunday, if I'm still allowed to go. Grandpa said that I can even wear my captain's hat if I want to.

I don't care what Dad says. I want to be a pilot. I'll try my very hardest and save up all my money. I will go to pilot school and be the best captain he's ever seen. I'm going to be a pilot.


End file.
